We have seen the Stone Age, Bronze Age, Iron Age, Steam age, Nuclear age, etc. but I think we could call this the Inspector Age!
No matter what you try to do, somebody comes along to say you are not allowed to do it, or you are doing it wrong, or you should do it over there instead. The Council, the Planning, the Government, the Friends of the Earth, the Enemies of the Moon – you name it, they will all get their oar in!
So this is nothing to do with religion – just a comment that times have changed since ‘Yer Man’ built the first one!
Noah Hope
I was dungin’ out the calf house, when I got the call from God
He said “Put out that cigarette, and get up, you lazy sod
I’ve searched this land for 40 days, to find one decent man
But you’re all a bunch of sinners, so sod that for a plan
We’re going to have another flood – it’s that global warming lark.
So for want of a better candidate – I want you to build an ark!”
“BeGod, now God”, I spluttered, “sure I couldn’t drive a nail,
With me in charge, a job like this is surely bound to fail.
Besides, I need to sow the corn, and I’ve got my spuds to plant,
If I’m getting into building arks, I’m gonna be needing a grant!”
“Don’t worry about money” he said with God-like grace,
“We have no accountants here – they’re all in the other place”
“I just dropped a load of ready cash in the chest in your back hall”
Says I “I’ll shift it to Dundalk, in case the Tax men call!
Well, I had a look at the Bible, just to check up on the plan,
And went off to look for Gopher Wood, 300 cubits long
But they said “endangered species”, the man had no idea
He suggested going to Belfast, and looking around Ikea!
Well, I got a load delivered, and got started on my labours
Then the damned objection letters came in from all the neighbours!
Well a boyo from the Planners came, on a fact-finding mission,
To see what I was building, and did I have outline permission.
He said I could not build a house, even though it was a boat,
I claimed it was mobile home, because was meant to float,
He quoted regulations till my ears were getting pounded,
I told him there would be a flood, and we would all be drownded
He become quite agitated then, and said “Is that a fact?”
“NO FLOODS till we can study the Environment Impact!”
Then they saw it was a boat, so they called in the DOE
To check the roads for moving it from here to near the sea
They all refused to listen, and they looked at me right queer,
When I tried to explain to them, that the sea was coming HERE!
Then the Building Inspectors men landed on the site
Scrutinized my every move, morning noon and night
When they seen 300 cibits, my life became quite hectic
The insisted that the plans had to be re-drawn in metric!
By now the time was running out, and I didn’t know what to do,
So I hired a lock’o’joiners, doing the double on the Buroo.
But now, as an employer, I was caught in far worse hooks
The Equality Commission landed out to check the books.
It seems my workforce profile had to match the local needs,
Two Protestants, two Catholics, and a dozen Portuguese!
We had a couple of Latvians, and a bloke from Senegal
And a pair’o’boys from Derrynoose, who seemed to do feck all!
Then the Union Man arrived – said I was on a sticky wicket.
He said if I got up his nose, then he was going to picket!
The sign we had outside the bogs was difficult to match
It had to be in six languages, including Ulster-Scotch!
I said they’d all pee in the sheugh, it was the easiest solution.
The bloody Rivers Authority were gonna do me for pollution!
Then a nasty letter came, my books I had to render,
A contract of that magnitude, it should have went to tender.
Harland and Wolff insisted that they send a business plan,
And then we got submissions from Korea and Japan.
They all sent fancy brochures, and salesmen came in bunches,
I had to let me trousers out, from all them business lunches
But I just stuck to all my guns, and said the Lord had spoke
I had to build the ship myself, and not just buy some yoke.
Then the Board of Trade turned up, with rules and regulations,
Governing rights of way at sea, and foreign destinations.
I would need to get a GPS, as a guide to a safe haven,
I said I’d just send out a dove, or maybe an old raven
They wanted to see the engines, to check if they burned clean,
And dipped the bloody diesel tank, in case we ran on green!
He looked at my carbon footprint, but I said it did not matter.
The world will not burn that much coal, when it’s all under water!
I said we’d run on methane – there’d be no shortage of manure
The boyo gave me a dirty look, and called me a cheeky hoor!
He said we were all amateurs – the insurance man would panic.
I reminded him professionals had built the damn Titanic!
Then we had a visit from the Assets Recovery cops
My bank accounts were frozen like an Eskimo’s lollipops
They were asking awkard questions about diesel, fags and drugs
I told them that it came from God – they said “D’ye think we’re lugs?”
They need proof of income, printed black and white in ink
I said I saved my milk cheque, and I didn’t smoke or drink!
Unless I could get proof from God, I was going to be in lumber
So I called in Dr Paisley – He knew God’s private number
The Vet arrived from the Ministry, to inspect accommodation,
And to check for dung disposal, water, feed and ventilation
I showed him round the cabins, and he said “This just won’t do”
“You’ll need more room per animal” – I said “This is for the crew!”
He said “It’s just for humans – I suppose then it’s OK!
I wouldn’t keep a dog in that, even for one day!”
Then the food inspectors came, to check all the supplies,
The spuds were just not suitable – they had far too many eyes!
The apples were downgraded, the spaghetti in a tangle
The bananas for the monkeys were all bent at the wrong angle!
The rules and regulations – I didn’t know where to begin,
The EEC were very tight on what you could bring in
There’d be no Mad Cows from England, or none with tongues of blue,
No chickens in from Norfolk, in case they had the ‘Flu.
I got all of the domestic breeds of horse and sheep and cow,
I didn’t bother with the pigs – there’s no money in them now
I got crocodiles from Egypt and llamas from Peru,
And I nicked a couple of rhinos from a field at Dublin Zoo
I kept them all in the grazing field, until the time would come,
But I had trouble working out just how the loading should be done
They couldn’t march in two by two, in a side-by-side position,
‘Cos that would need permission from the Damn Parades Commission!
The anti-hunting crowd was out, swearing that they’d close us down,
But we were not chasing foxes, so they didn’t give a damn!
The badgers had a protest, and swore they’d never yield
Objecting to contentious marches going through their field
The Concerned Resident Rabbits Committee were acting quite exultant
They’d called in Brendan McKenna, to act as a consultant!
Then a Orange Order Boyo called and said he wished us well
Just put the elephants in front, and drive them on like hell!
Then God arrived, in splendour, to check how we’d got on,
He said “You haven’t got much done – explain yourself, my man!
Well, I told him all the troubles, and why it was so tough
Then he said “The flood is cancelled – I think I’ve heard enough!
I can stop this Global Warming lark, whose results will be so dire,
I’m going down to Hell right now, to put out the bloody fire!
No point in wasting all that coal, just to make the sinners whine,
The hell yis made here for yourselves is a damn site worse than mine!”
Well, he struck the ark with a thunderbolt, and burned it all to ash,
The animals he disappeared, just like that, in a flash.
I was left with nothing, not a hoof or hair or stalk,
Except a couple of million, in the bank down in Dundalk!
So I’m heading for Las Vegas, a damn good time to find
And it’s a long way from the ocean, just in case he’d change his mind!