It’s a hot and sweaty summer’s day, and I’m sat here with the wife
We’ve been married forty bloody years, and it’s really screwed my life.
Now that I’m retired you see, the whole thing is so much worse.
We see each other all the time, which makes us swear and curse.
I’ve caught her with the kitchen knife, staring at my back
And several times I’ve had the urge to wring her bloody neck.
But today is all sweetness and light, calm between the bitching,
We are sitting playing scrabble, at the table in the kitchen.
The problem is she’s winning, and it is bloody hard to take,
As she’s crowing like a rooster, with a big worm in its beak!
My letters spelled out MURDER – just what was in my heart,
I put one letter in my mouth, and chewed it as I thought.
I know it’s a dirty habit, but it’s something I always do
Like a bad sheep farmer – I was fiddling with my ‘U’
!
An F was lying open, at the far side of the play
I winked, with an optimistic grin, and added ‘UCK’!
Don’t look at me like that now – I’m not a total clown.
I wiped the slobbers off the ‘U’, before I put it down
She just glared down at the table, with a disapproving cough,
With an eye that would freeze an iceberg, she just added O.F.F!
I tried to hit her back at once, but my letters were not right
All ‘C’s, ‘K’s, and ‘X’s, without a vowel in sight!
I skipped a turn, and changed them, for I’d no chance in the game,
All I could spell with what I’d got was some Lithuanian’s name!
She played ‘TOSSER’ down the far side, and I replied with ‘BITCH’
The look she threw across at me would kill quicks in a ditch!
She played ‘KETTLE’ down the middle, and she made herself some tea,
Did not so much as ask me if I had a mouth on me!
My letters were still awful, so I played the wee word ‘FLY’
A bluebottle flew in the window, and went buzzing slowly by.
It dottered round in circles, like an ould boy on the booze.
She played ‘SWAT’, and knocked it’s pan in, with a rolled-up Irish News!
I played ‘STAB’ across the bottom, on a double letter score,
A knife fell off the worktop, and stuck quivering in the floor!
It was getting really spooky, and I did not know what to do
The words that we were playing were starting to come true!
I played ‘POISON’, staring thoughtfully at her half-full teacup,
But she continued sipping it, and then just drank it up
The game was coming to a close, and I wasn’t in contention
I was sweating like a kangaroo at a pickpocket’s convention
I was chewing another letter, and I took it out to see
It was not a lot of use to me – I was sucking on my ‘P’
‘C’ ‘O’ ‘K’ ‘E’ was sitting in the rack in front of me,
If I could find a ‘H’ for ‘CHOKE’, I might finally be free!
She played ‘HATRED’ with a nasty look, muttering under her breath,
I thought my chance had come – I used the ‘D’ to spell out ‘DEATH’
I stared across in the useless hope that she might do it then and there
But it didn’t work – she added ‘WISH’, on a double letter square!
A wasp flew in towards her – I put ‘STING’ down on the board
She used the ‘G’ for ‘GAPSHITE’ and never spoke a word!
She got the fifty bonus points, for clearing her last letter
I knew that I had played and lost, her game was so much better.
The damn wasp changed direction, and came at me like a bullet
I jumped back and gasped in horror, and my ‘P’ shot down my gullet!
I couldn’t speak or get a get a breath, I was gasping to get air
I tried to spell out AMBULANCE, as I slid down off my chair,
She sat there, calmly smiling, with a twinkle in her eye,
While she slowly moved the letters, to spell out the word GOODBYE . . .