Fifty Shades

J R 5 October 2024 5 October 2024Bard of Armagh Poems

I wish to make it crystal clear that, unlike some others, this poem is definitely NOT true! It came second in the 2014 Bard competition, and is very loosely based on a certain book, (which I have not read, of course!), and a film. (which I have not seen, of course!)

I had thought I was beginning to get the hang of marriage,
After damn near sixty years of strife and fun,
But the Missus landed in one day, with a wee book in her hand,
And says we need to change how things are done.

She held me up the bloody book, called Fifty Shades of Grey
And my stomach got a knot of mortal fear
I shouts For God’s sake, Missus, you can’t start that again
We painted the whole house this time last year!

It’s not about decorating, you dopey deaf oul fool,
It’s what we do at sex I’m on about
Well, we usually watch Pointless, and then we have our tea,
If you want to switch to Eggheads now, just shout

S-E-X, you deaf oul bugger – that’s what this book’s about
All the things that we’ve been doing wrong
I’ve got some sexy underwear to turn you on tonight
I’m trying out my new incontinence thong!

What about role playing? Or we could try some S & M,
Or maybe have a go at Tarts and Vicars
S & M, sez I, Was that the shop where Maggie Thatcher
Said she always used to buy her knickers?

She shouted ‘Sadomasochism, not bloody Marks and Sparks,
Turn on yer blooming hearing aid, ye clown’
Is that them damn blood pressure pills that put you off the rails?
Last time you near collapsed when up the town

She asked we had anything that would do for nipple clamps
We’ll get more pleasure if we cause each other pain
Sez I, you can use them mousetraps that’s lying in the byre.
But I’m not watching Jeremy Kyle AGAIN!

Sez she, you need to hurt me, cause me a little pain,
Do something that you know I’m gonna hate,
So I burned her Daniel O’Donnell tapes, and I must admit she’s right –
The pleasure that it gave me was just great!

I had just sat down that evening when she stepped in front of me,
In tiny underwear enough to make you wince
Says she, this is my wedding suit, just as it was worn back then
Sez I, it looks as though you haven’t ironed it since!

I’ve been a naughty girl, she said, you need to punish me
Sit you down upon that wee low chair
She got down on her hands and knees, and crawled across my legs,
Pointed at her bum, and says ‘Spank there!’

I was just about to wallop, when my elbow locked in place
That old Carpal Tunnel, d’ye see
It took her half an hour to climb back up on her Zimmer,
And another 20 minutes lifting ME!

Well, we made it to the bedroom, and I got off my clothes,
With my arthritis that can mean some horror.
Sez I, yer boobs hang lower, dear, with every passing year,
Then realized that I was looking at the mirror!

She says the doctor told me that my chest is really good,
In fact, it’s like a girl of forty-two.
Did he pass much further comment on your oul fat arse? Sez I,
‘No’, she snapped, He never mentioned YOU’

Tie me to the bed, she said, and indulge your basic needs,
So I headed for the bog to get a pee.
But, as often happens these days, I forgot what I’d been doing
No clothes – must be bathtime, d’ye see!

She was roaring at me for an hour, but of course I didn’t hear
I’d took out the hearing aid that I was wearing
When I went to get clean underwear, she was starting to turn blue
But fortunately, too hoarse to do much swearing!

Well, that was just the end of it, she did not speak for days,
But I know my pain is just about to start.
The book has been disposed of, but a worse one took its place
What she’s reading now’s a Dulux colour chart!